Cowboys & Indians, Farmers & Pirates

"Sure you could have married the farmer, but you wanted to marry someone cool like the pirate!"

On the phone (again) last night:
mom: i bought april a birthday card. guess what's on it. guess!
me: umm...i don't know.
mom: you don't remember that thing? that one time when we laughed really hard?
me: i'll remember if you tell me...!
mom: it has pirates on it. she likes pirates, right?
me: sure, april likes pirates! (i mean, who doesn't.)
mom: yeah! this is great. do you want me to sign your name in the card too?
me: sure mom, that sounds great. but our birthdays aren't for another 9 months.
mom: yeah, you might have to remind me.
me: okay, i'll try to remind you, but it is a long time away.
mom: i hear a BOY sound in the background...
me: you DO hear a boy sound.
mom: is it a real boy? or is it a boy sound?
me: it's a REAL boy.
mom: do you think he's a pirate?
me: oh, yeah, he is definitely a pirate.
mom: ha-ha! i knew it!
me: yes. i actually need to go so i can take care of this pirate.
mom: okay! be cool with the pirate!
me: alright, mom!
mom: be smart!

My advise to you

my triathlon training has given mom a whole new set of things to be worried about. she calls about once a day to tell me about a new concern she has for my health.
"don't break a tendon," she cautions.
"alexa, you've never run a marathon," she reminds me.
and my personal favorite, "alexa, don't try to break any records!"

the other night, her own sickness reminded her of all the possible things that could go wrong with my health in the very near future due to this triathlon:
me: hi, mom.
mom: i'm siiick.
me: oh i'm sorry to hear that.
mom: yes.
me: why don't you go to bed early?
mom: yes i am. you need to rest too with your training.
me: yeah, i do rest a lot.
mom: yeah, and take care of your knees! do you think you can wear knee pads while you run? you need to protect them they are very important.
me: sure.
mom: and for the swim, what do you wear when you swim?
me: well i haven't actually done open water swimming yet, but we'll be in a lake and i'll wear some sort of suit.
mom: okay buy the best suit you can. don't be cheap on it! there are a lot of germs in the water. don't drink it either! it is dirty. and don't get distracted while you swim; you might choke. when you get out of the swimming, is there a place to take a warm shower? can you take a warm shower after the swim?
me: um, yeah.
mom: yeah, that would be good. and you should pack chicken soup.
me: right.
mom: okay good. and don't try to keep up with april! april is a very. big. girl.
me: okay, mom.
mom: okay i'm going to bed goodbye.

5 minutes later the phone rings again:
me: hey mom
mom: yeah-what about when you're biking? what if you fall off? do you wear elbow pads? do you think you should wear elbow pads?
me: i could wear elbow pads...
mom: yeah-and does your orthopedist know that you're training for a triathlon?
me: no.
mom: no?? you should tell her. will you call me this weekend and tell me what she said?
me: no.
mom: NO?!?! WHY WOULDN'T YOU TELL HER WHY WOULDN'T YOU DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH AND YOUR HAN--
me: okay, i'll call her.
mom: okay thank you goodnight.

i'm not going to call her.

i like you for always

an email exchange:

me:
mom,
do you remember if you claimed me as a dependent for 2008? I think that's what we said, but i wanted to check.

mom:
YES. The time flies, I love to claim you forever.

Friends Don't Let Friends Have Dry Skin

Mommy's always been concerned with how dry my skin is. "You only have one skin for your whole life!"
"That's not true," I tell her, "I actually have many, many layers of skin."
Her concern remains.

Today, I was curled up in a ball on the bed at the hotel room with Gan-Ma standing close by.
Mom: Ai-ya, Alexa! Your skin is so dry! Quick! Put this almond oil on!
*Gan-Ma starts putting some almond oil on my back
Mom: Alexa, I suggest you and a good friend get a bottle of almond oil from Whole Foods, and you guys can help each other apply the oil all over each other's bodies.
*I erupt with laughter*
Gan-Ma: Hah? You're so ticklish?
Me: I'm not laughing at that. I'm laughing at her.
Mom: What did I say now?
Me: I don't really put oil all over my friends' bodies...
Mom: What kind of bad friends do you have?
Me: I just don't think it's something I'd do with friends...
Gan-Ma: Oh, I get it. It's because you said "all over your bodies."
Mom: Well you don't have to put it all over your body. You can put it on the parts you don't want your friend to touch (motioning over her boobies).
Me: I just don't see that happening (I'm still laughing).
Mom: I thought you had good friends.