Last year, my mom met a boy at church. She is convinced we are fated for each other.
Over Christmas, she spent about 30 minutes detailing her "courtship" between her and my dad. I wasn't sure if the story had a point, but then finally at the end she revealed that "it would be okay if he and I became friends." I had her blessing.
Today, I missed a call from her and then she sent a blank text message (she just learned how to text). So I called her back.
Mom: OH HI! I AM AT HOME!
Me: I AM AT HOME TOO! It snowed here too!
Mom: OH GREAT! I want to tell you something! I am too excited! Just so excited! I don't want you think that I'm manipulating you, or forcing you, or making you do anything, okay?? This was a revelation!
Me: oh. great.
Mom: You're already upset!
Me: You just said, "Don't think I'm manipulating you," what am I supposed to think?
Mom: It was a revelation! A REVELATION!!!
Me: Just tell me what it is.
Mom: OK. So I saw this book of tapas, it's like little dishes, but Spanish, maybe you know, it's like Chinese dimsum.
Me: Yes.
Mom: OK. So I saw this recipe: churrasa, ch-chorrchu, churmichu, c-h-o-r-i-z-o
Me: chorizo
Mom: --chorizo and quail egg toast!
Me: That sounds fun.
Mom: Yeah! Chorizo is a sausage and I bet you can get it from Central Market.
She then proceeds to read me the recipe word-for-word:
Mom: First, cut a loaf of French bread on the diagonal into 12 pieces. Now, you could buy more bread and cut it into more pieces. I think this recipe was translated from Spanish because it's not French bread, it's that long and skinny bread, you know?
Me: They probably mean a baguette.
Mom: Yeah, a baguette. See, their English isn't very good.
Me: A baguette is French bread. That's why the word is "baguette." That's not English.
Mom: Ohhh okay. Then, cut the "churosa" into 12 thin slices. You have to cut it very thin! You could buy more sausage and cut it into more slices too, you know.
Me: Yes, I know.
Mom: ...transfer to a platter and reserve. See? Again, I don't think their English is very good in this recipe. "Reserve," that is not English.
Me: Yes it is. It means to put it aside and save it for later, reserve. That's not their English problem; it's yours.
Mom: Ha! Okay ...and then, top each slice of French bread and "chorossa" with a fried quail egg. Doesn't that sound fun?!
Me: Yes, it does.
Mom: So I saw this recipe, and I thought, and I thought, and I thought that it looked like you! It's so cute! So February 13th is on a Sunday, and Valentine's Day is on February 14th. (Aha, I know where this revelation is going now.) So I think you can make these, and put them on a red doily, and then you can put out a tray for special people. I don't know, maybe you can bring them to your office, or you could bring them to church, and give them to certain people at church, I don't know, WHOEVER, and then you can see who responds nicely, and whoever responds the most nicely, then you can give them a chance and date them!!! You know, whoever responds nicely you can date! Don't you think this is an ingenius idea??
Me: Well the toast does sound fun.
Mom: YEAH and I just knew it was a revelation because this toast is YOU. A quail egg is pretty oriental, but you know on top of French bread it is not so oriental --
Me: (egging her on at this point. pun intended) YEAH! It's like I'm blending in the Asian quail egg with the European bread and sausage! That's like me on toast!
Mom: YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT TOO! (barely breathing at this point) I thought that you were like the little quail egg, and then whoever responds nicely you can tell them that the churisan is because you went to Spain and Catalah and the French bread because you've been to France!
Me: Oh my! We'll have so much to talk about! We'll be talking for hours!!!
Mom: I KNOOOOOW!!!
Me: Now, an important question, what if the person "who responds nicely" is a girl??
Mom: NOOO!!!!! This treat is not for girls! It is a man treat! It is savory!
Me: Oh, you're right. Girls do not eat savory things.
Mom: Right! I mean, you know who I am talking about.
Me: Of course I do.
Mom: Okay, then we don't have to talk about it. I mean, you don't even have to tell me after you did it! You can experiment beforehand to make sure it's good! So you're going to do it, right?!
Me: You just told me I didn't have to tell you.
Mom: Good grief, eat my own words! Okay, good luck! I can't wait for February 13th!
